February 12th 2020: What I think my life would be like without anxiety and depression

I've had awful anxiety as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are of me worrying about something. My entire life I've felt stuck inside my head. Be it working myself up for worst case scenarios, putting other people's emotional and physical well beings before my own, or simply just terrified to exist around crowds of people- or sadly even just ordering food. I've tried all the self help advice, meditation and mindfulness can only do so much when you're so far inside your head you can't even fathom what a healthy functioning self dialogue should sound like. As if the anxiety wasn't bad enough, it comes with it's pal depression occasionally. One of the saddest realizations of my life was when I felt truly blissfully happy for a couple days after spending a couple years being depressed. What's worse is that I knew I felt off, but I didn't recognize it as depression until those days of happiness. It was shortly after that when I finally reached out for mental health help. My best wasn't working, and I owed it to myself and my family to seek professional advice. It's nearing a year since then, and I am so grateful to say that I don't regret asking for help. I was so afraid to go to therapy for so long that it became this looming monster in my mind. The first few appointments were a little intimidating and opening up to strangers was beyond uncomfortable but it was what I needed to do. I am currently taking an SSRI for my anxiety and depression as well as continuing therapy, meditation, mindfulness, exercise, and also making time to do things just for myself once in a while. I'm not cured and never will be, but I feel like for the most part I have it under control. That's a great feeling. My view on anxiety has shifted, I no longer despise that part of me, because it is indeed- a part of me. It's something I have been learning to be okay with and even embracing. My depression on the other hand is some thing I am trying to work on controlling and hopefully avoiding. In a perfect world I'd be able to manage my mental help prescription free and thrive. I'd feel excited for big events with friends or family, instead of a pit of dread. I'd have my thoughts come as needed instead of jumbled and tangled together in messy chaos. I'd do things I've wanted to do without thinking myself out of it every time. It's honestly hard for me to think of a life without anxiety and depression. I probably would have been more social in school, gone to college, travelled more, who knows. Regardless, I am very proud of myself for seeking help and continuing every day to be better. I've done more things recently than I've probably done in years. I haven't had a panic or anxiety attack in months, and I used to have atleast three a week. Gosh, I might cry realizing how much I truly needed help. My only regret is that I waited so long, I wish I could have been strong enough to seek help sooner.